My Wise Old Man

     I've recently found myself applying to transfer back to the university that I first started college at.  A few things have resulted from my plans...


     1.) My mother has been in a dither because all she can seem to remember is me being sick all the time while I was there.
     My answer to this:
     Firstly, I blame it on only consuming breakfast cereal and ice cream with the occasional cheese and tortilla on Quesadilla Wednesdays.  Secondly, it was the consequence of sleeping with the window open all winter...don't judge me!  The heater was awful from the top bunk when your head was practically next to the vent!   My six foot tall roommate was afraid of heights and insisted on having the bottom bunk.  I'll let you ponder the distance between my head and the ceiling with that detail.  Lastly, I blame the lack of sleep.  I only slept on Saturdays.  My weekday bed time usually ranged around 3 to 4 o'clock in the morning.  Yea...how did I finish my freshman year alive? 


    2.)  I've been realizing that I'm really not as organized as I thought.
     Apparently, even though I've been graduated for a good 5,000,000.56875 years from high school (okay, maybe more like 7.5 years) they still want things like my ACT and SAT scores.  I really thought I had these filed away nicely somewhere.  I really really really...really really...really...really..re...all...y...did. (This is the point when I smile like I'm crazy and my eyes glaze over.)


     So, while trying to dig up those darn test scores, I've been poring over my old email box.  You know, the type with the really embarrassing user name?  Like nsyncluvr4life@yahoo.com ...or... futurebackstreetboybride@hotmail.com??  Yea...it's one of those.  Except it doesn't have anything to do with any boy bands that I liked in junior high.  Anyhow, I did a search for emails in my box that dated to 2003, and I stumbled upon a note from my dad.  He's not much for writing (which is obviously why I saved it.)  I couldn't help but be excited to uncover this treasure I'd forgotten.  It's monumental since he's the don't-cry-rub-some-dirt-on-it-I-only-say-I-love-you-on-special-occasions sorta guy.  
     I eagerly clicked on the email to open the contents and halfway through reading I was tearing up.  It really hit home for me something that I've been struggling with lately, and it reminded me of a girl I haven't been for a good 5 or 6 years, that I have work still to do, and that there's goals to be reached.  His words really put to rest the fears that I have of branching out again, moving to another city to pursue something that I love, desire, and am meant for.


     So, for the sake of inspiring the few people who take the time to read my silly blog I will share my pop's sweet words to me, at the time, his seventeen year old daughter, the youngest of his three daughters, the first Gaskins girl to move to another city, and the first to go live on campus while attending college full time.  I hope they remind you that it's okay to take chances, to step out and do something awesome even if scary. 

     "Hi there!  I've included your resume and hope it comes
thru.  I'm so proud of you and excited about this
phase of your life's journey.  I want to encourage you
to simply do your best, love God, and practice
kindness.  We love you so much.  Don't let things
overwhelm you, we're here for you and pray for you
several times a day.  You're doing something that's
never been done before in our family, going off to
school.  So, I guess you could call yourself the
explorer of the family.  That's what I did, I got on a
bus and launched out into the world.  You may have
moments of loneliness, that's normal, if you feel like
crying then that's what you do, I know cause I did. 
But the secret I found was to be with others, and
connect with them thru study of the Word, praying and
just enough time hanging out together and I did just
fine.  Well I guess I'd better get off to this job
fair this morning, will call or write again soon.

Lots of Love
Dad"

XOXO

Kimmy

Hiding Me

  I'm listening to Kye Kye's Walking This right now.  
  It just seemed like the ideal background noise while I finally write a post I've been avoiding for quite awhile.  I've been dodging it for a hundred different reasons - be they legitimate excuses or not - I've been hiding.


  That seems to be my theme these days.  I float into the office, say my good morning's with a lack luster enthusiasm (barely believable,) and I sit at my desk for the rest of the day with my ear buds shoved in my head to drown out the talking.
  Sadly, I know that my coworkers have noticed a change in me, but I haven't been in much of an attitude to care.  Again... the hiding.  If no one asks it suits me well not to fumble awkwardly for an answer.  If I were to really be asked I'm not sure I could give them anything coherent or satisfying.  Ugh.  It even disgusts me just to think of this.  I've never been the type of person to keep my thoughts as closely guarded secrets.
  Maybe, just maybe it doesn't matter because my thoughts haven't been of much interest these days.  In fact I'm not sure I could utter them out loud without thinking, I'm retarded, afterward.  (Insert a sad, lopsided grin here.)
  My mind runs over memories, or I look at the circumstances in front of me and think that there just doesn't seem to be an end.  When you've been disappointed over and over and over it's hard to see what's on the other side.  It's hard to imagine that there's anything else outside of your troubles.  But I've begun to realize especially over the last few weeks that - no matter how tough it gets - it's not MY strength that's going to bring me through.  It's not MY job to fix the universe or to carry the weight of the situation.  
  It's my job to trust.  To fall back into grace with my arms spread wide and eyes closed.  The one person that's never changed, never failed, and never rejected me has been God.  And so, because of His love for me, I know there's an end to the hard times.  
  Does that mean I'm going to never cry?  
  No, but I swear if I never cried again I wouldn't be disappointed.  
  I think the hardest struggle is beating myself up for ever having feelings at all.  When you wake up and feel depressed and don't want to hang out or see anyone you think "what's wrong with me?"  
  There's nothing wrong with YOU!  There's nothing wrong with having down days, however the problem is when you look to yourself to fix your problems instead of believing the Lord to be your advocate and to fight the battles for you.  
  The truth is we'll never win on our own.  
  I'm not sure when my new season of laughter will be here.  I have no idea when I'm going to wake up and feel 100% okay again, but I'm prepared...
  
  I've got my dancing shoes ready.
  So there.  If you were wondering - I haven't been myself lately, but I'm sure working my way back! :)


"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

XOXO

Kimmy