I live two lives.
By day I work in the corporate world. I shuffle paperwork, and I spend hours on conference calls. I solve “explosive” shipping problems and ease weary minds about whether or not the customer will get their goods on time. I wish it were something more along the lines of Superman/Clark Kent, or I’d even settle for a real life version of “Speed.” But only if I were guaranteed that Keanu Reeves would really be driving the bus…and the bomb wasn’t real. Okay, okay so that’s not realistic, but who said we were being rational here!?
At about four o’clock every afternoon I roll out of the parking garage and back into my “other life.” It’s been nothing special for quite awhile. I get up, brush my teeth, put my shoes on, and – before I fall back into bed sometime early that evening – I go to work.
The truth is I’ve been living a pale, lame shadow of the life I’m supposed to be living. I’ve pursued my talent of pushing paperwork over my love for music. It’s not that the two things can’t coincide – it’s just that at some point I sacrificed one for the other. Why? Because I am 1,000% confident that I’m capable of succeeding with administrative work. I’ve always had a knack for quick problem solving and organization. My people skills are what make me even better at my job. That’s the easy stuff. But – therein lies the problem.
The easy stuff is the problem.
I’ve been so afraid of a failure that I’m not even sure will ever come that I’ve chosen to pursue the path of least resistance. What makes this even harder to overcome is that there’s nothing criminal about my life. I’m a hardworking taxpayer. I give 100% to what I do, and as I continually excel I receive more work and commendations from the ever-so-thankful corporation. I’m the type of worker who, if I continue on this career path, will stay with the company until I retire. They will milk me for everything I’ve got, but I know that’s not the life for me, and for a long, long time I’d forgotten that simple truth.
Really my pursuit of comfort was born out of insecurity. My ultimate passion is music. It’s where I feel most comfortable, but it also scares me to death. The part of me that’s a perfectionist exists in the music. As I grew older I began to lose that bright-eyed, devil-may-care confidence that I had when I first began to write and play guitar. To my 16 year old self every song was the “best ever,” and my heart and soul were poured into overly dramatic, dark lyrical lines over simple melodies. I didn’t care whether anyone else loved them. To me they were perfect. However, my honeymoon season didn’t last very long. Being a silly idealist as I can be (and a hormonal teenager at the time,) it took only a couple run-ins with unnecessarily cruel criticism to make me a recluse.
So, yes, I’ve hoarded my music to myself for a good eight or nine years now. Which is why, when I finally stepped up on the stage a few months ago, and performed in front of a crowd – they were blown away. I had numerous friends come up to tell me that they had no idea I wrote and played like I do. Not only did I prove to everyone else that I was capable and worthy, but I ultimately proved to myself that I had something to give that had value. I’m just sad to say that it took me this long. But, as I’m learning to do, we’re not going to dwell on my ridiculousness. Well…at least we’re not going to dwell on it in this post. (There’s plenty of time for that later.)
“Too many people make cemeteries of their lives by burying their talents and gifts.” – John L. Mason
I’ve been living among the dead for so long that I forgot what it was like to truly breathe.
But, this is me letting you know that now I’m alive and well.
XOXO
Kimmy
