It just seemed like the ideal background noise while I finally write a post I've been avoiding for quite awhile. I've been dodging it for a hundred different reasons - be they legitimate excuses or not - I've been hiding.
That seems to be my theme these days. I float into the office, say my good morning's with a lack luster enthusiasm (barely believable,) and I sit at my desk for the rest of the day with my ear buds shoved in my head to drown out the talking.
Sadly, I know that my coworkers have noticed a change in me, but I haven't been in much of an attitude to care. Again... the hiding. If no one asks it suits me well not to fumble awkwardly for an answer. If I were to really be asked I'm not sure I could give them anything coherent or satisfying. Ugh. It even disgusts me just to think of this. I've never been the type of person to keep my thoughts as closely guarded secrets.
Maybe, just maybe it doesn't matter because my thoughts haven't been of much interest these days. In fact I'm not sure I could utter them out loud without thinking, I'm retarded, afterward. (Insert a sad, lopsided grin here.)
My mind runs over memories, or I look at the circumstances in front of me and think that there just doesn't seem to be an end. When you've been disappointed over and over and over it's hard to see what's on the other side. It's hard to imagine that there's anything else outside of your troubles. But I've begun to realize especially over the last few weeks that - no matter how tough it gets - it's not MY strength that's going to bring me through. It's not MY job to fix the universe or to carry the weight of the situation.
It's my job to trust. To fall back into grace with my arms spread wide and eyes closed. The one person that's never changed, never failed, and never rejected me has been God. And so, because of His love for me, I know there's an end to the hard times.
Does that mean I'm going to never cry?
No, but I swear if I never cried again I wouldn't be disappointed.
I think the hardest struggle is beating myself up for ever having feelings at all. When you wake up and feel depressed and don't want to hang out or see anyone you think "what's wrong with me?"
There's nothing wrong with YOU! There's nothing wrong with having down days, however the problem is when you look to yourself to fix your problems instead of believing the Lord to be your advocate and to fight the battles for you.
The truth is we'll never win on our own.
I'm not sure when my new season of laughter will be here. I have no idea when I'm going to wake up and feel 100% okay again, but I'm prepared...
I've got my dancing shoes ready.
So there. If you were wondering - I haven't been myself lately, but I'm sure working my way back! :)
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
XOXO
Kimmy
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